Laura is offering one e-version copy of her fascinating travelogue, TRO-TROS AND POTHOLES, WEST AFRICA: SOLO to one randomly chosen commenter. The winner will be announced here on Friday, March 28th, between 5-6 PM EST. For convenience, please leave your contact information within your comment. Thanks!
Here's a blurb on Laura's TRO-TROS AND POTHOLES:
Tro-tros and Potholes is truly a reading
adventure, with the Internet playing a key role. At what other time in history
could an explorer stay in almost instant touch with people all around the
world? During four months of traveling in West Africa, Laura Enridge thrilled
friends and family back home with her vivid stories, often written in
"stinky internet cafés with sticky keyboards." Here, her unedited
emails are mingled with more detailed memoirs to form a wonderful collection of
human stories, written straight from the heart.
A keen observer, Enridge takes an interest in
almost everyone she meets. Her colorful glimpses into daily life in West
African cities and villages are captured on every page of this delightful book.
From
Survive to Thrive by Laura Zera
It was
several months ago when Elaine reached out to me about writing a piece for
Everyone’s Story. She had come across my own blog, and realized we share a
common history: our mothers both have/had schizophrenia. Elaine’s mother passed
away from cancer at the age of 46. My mother is turning 79 this summer, and now
has advanced dementia.
Neither
Elaine nor I had an easy childhood. There was no secure and nurturing home environment.
Rather, I grew up with danger and volatility, day in and day out. My mother’s
behavior was confusing and unpredictable, her rage incendiary. It created hyper
vigilance and anxiety in me. While other kids in my neighborhood could be
precocious and carefree, I functioned to survive.
Survive.
Endure. Live through. They’re words commonly used in relation to adversity.
They’re marginal words, though. They leave us on the margins of a full and
joyful life. And while surviving trauma is a triumph in and of itself, don’t we
deserve more?
Thrive. Flourish.
Contribute. Those are the words that shone like a lantern for me, even at age
15, when I left home and moved in with my older, and only, sibling. Even at age
23, when I estranged myself from my mother and hid for 17 years, nervous every
time I turned down a new aisle in the grocery store. And now, at age 45, when I
bring cans of cashews to her in the care home, and she has no recollection of
anything, past or present.
I went
to an event recently where much of what the speaker said resonated deeply with
me. It was United States Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor on the stage
(her own father battled alcoholism, and died from heart problems when she was
nine; we really do all have a story). In talking about how she managed to
accomplish all that she has and have such an impressive career, she said,
“there’s no such thing as a self-made man,” (or woman).
Sotomayor
was saying it in reference to her career—how she learned to study from the best
students at school, and sought out mentors as a young lawyer, but it applies to
everything. Education, love, family, fulfillment. Alone, we are limited, even
self-defeating. With help, the sky’s the limit.
We get what
we need, and build what we want to build, with the help of others.
It can
come in different packages, this “help” thing. Some find it in their faith; for
others, it’s available within their families. For me, it first appeared in the
shape of a grandmotherly social worker, assigned to my case file when I was 16
and caught shoplifting. I thought for sure she was going to look at my tight
jeans and heavy eyeliner and tell me to clean up my act. Instead, she listened
without judgment.
I was
forced into getting help, and as life-changing as my experience was, it took
some years before I became comfortable asking
for it. There were all kinds of things bundled in with that: I didn’t want to
be a burden, I felt ashamed, I didn’t think of myself as worthy of the time and
attention. My baby steps approach was to return to therapy, because my flawed
reasoning told me that at least those people were getting paid to listen to me.
Later, I started to lean more on the “volunteers,” the people who liked or
loved me freely and without strings or monetary compensation.
When I
finally realized that we’re all in this whole shebang together,
that our existence is connected at the level of humanity and beyond, it became
easier. Not only was giving help an act for the greater good, so was seeking
it! And while shame kept me in survival mode, reaching out allowed me to grow.
It also allowed me to forgive my mother, and eventually, to embrace my history.
Just like Elaine, I still have my dark times, but that lantern is always
shining, reminding me that I’m not in it alone.
You’re not in it alone either! What or who have
been the sources of your greatest support over the years?
Laura's Ah-hahs To Tweet:
Everyone has a story: author @LauraZera shares
how to thrive with #schizophrenic parent. (Tweet
This)
Laura Zera: Do you deserve more than just
surviving a trauma? (Tweet This)
Like to read about #Africa? #BookGiveaway of
author LauraZera’s Tro-tros
and Potholes. (Tweet This)
Author's Bio:
Laura
Zera is a freelance writer who has traveled to almost 60 countries and lived
and worked in Cameroon, Canada, Israel, South Africa and the United States. She
is currently working on her second book, a memoir about being raised by a
mother with schizophrenia. Laura’s first book (written as Laura Enridge),
2004’s Tro-tros and Potholes, chronicles her solo adventures
through five countries in West Africa. Her work can also be found in the
anthology Write for the Fight: A Collection of Seasonal Essays,
released in 2012 by Booktrope Publishing.
Originally
from Vancouver, British Columbia, Laura lives in Seattle, Washington, where she
can be found walking her pug, driving her Mini, or attending concerts with her
photographer husband Francis Zera.
Places to connect with Laura:
Sounds very interesting. I am getting ready to teach a women's seminar about being "Anchored in Him." Sounds like might have some good examples in this book. I enjoyed being featured on Elaine's blog and now enjoying maybe being a recipient.
ReplyDeleteOh, Barbara, I love when past guests visit another guest. And I'm pleased that you've found Laura's writing and book inspiring. Looking forward to seeing you again.
DeleteHi Barbara, so nice to meet you here, thank you for reading, and I wish you the best with your upcoming seminar.
DeleteI understand distancing yourself from a schizophrenic mom. I did that for 20 years. And then, yes, I also became the caregiver for my mom until she passed away at 64. I found myself a very late bloomer in social skills because of the challenge of managing a parent's mental illness. It's hard, but connecting, to say the words, "I really understand."
ReplyDeleteAngela, I appreciate your visit this evening. I think it was necessary for Laura, yourself, and me to put a bit of space and time between our ill moms in order not to become entrapped within the imprisonment of mental illness. Those suffering from this illness do not necessarily want to bring down others, but I believe they cannot help encircle others with their darkness. Very interesting: I too was a late bloomer and I don't think I connected it with my mother's problems.
DeleteI've given our co-authored blog segments a plug on the bottom of this segment.
Hi Angela, thank you for connecting, I appreciate it so much! It's very interesting that you both mention being late bloomers. My "theory" for myself is that I was born an introvert, and growing up around my mum and her illness made me even more sensitive to people and stimuli. Thankfully, now I understand that it just doesn't work for me to be around people all the time, and I can set my schedule and accept invitations in a way that suits me. I just finished reading Susan Cain's book "Quiet," and it had some very interesting research about social dynamics for introverts.
DeleteLaura, wow, you described me quite well just now. My day job has me surrounded by hundreds of people that I interact with, but leaves me drained at the end of the day, wanting home, wanting my writing-story world. I'll have to check out Susan's book. Thanks for the recommendation.
DeleteI am also a natural introvert, but not a soul knows it because in order to find connection with people, I had to learn the skills of building an outward personification of me. Interesting that now people think I'm outgoing, lol.
DeleteElaine, it's an amazing book, I think you'd probably really enjoy it. And Angela, the book actually talks about how introverts learn to adopt an extrovert style for certain times/places, but then use what Cain calls "restorative" breaks to rebalance. She talks about a beloved and award-winning university professor who used to hid in a toilet stall in between giving talks because he absolutely had to have that 10 minutes to recharge before going out on stage and giving it his all again. Really interesting stuff.
DeleteGreat post, Elaine and Laura! My mother suffered with major depression when I was growing up, and my sister battled major depression and schizophrenia for twenty years before she took her life in 2005. Living with the effects of mental illness is a tough journey for family, especially for the children of someone severely mentally ill. Thanks for sharing your story and shining a light where there is often stigma. Your book sounds intriguing. Elaine has my contact info should I win it. God bless both of you.
ReplyDeleteLaura, thanks for your visit and for sharing your personal story. I'm not sure if someone outside of our common situation realizes that mental illness affects ALL family members, and possibly friends, often casting everyone involved in a gripping isolation. And yes, it is a stigma--even today. Way too often hush-hush.
DeleteDo check back for Laura's reply.
Laura H.P., I'm so sorry to hear that both your mom and sister had such horrible struggles. Thank you for your kind words, and even if it's a piece at a time, here's to busting the stigma.
DeleteTouching interview and I would love to win a copy of her book.
ReplyDeleteAnn Ellison
abilene_nana@yahoo.com
Ann, my sweet friend, thanks for your visit. I'm glad Laura's post resonated with you.
DeleteThank you so much, Ann, and if you do win, I hope you'll share your feedback with me!
DeleteLaura, as you know I can totally relate to this post. It's good to see a bit more of your story here. Can't wait to read your memoir.
ReplyDeleteJeri, thanks for visiting with Laura and me on Everyone's Story. Stay strong. God bless.
DeleteThanks for 'hopping over,' Jeri, I so appreciate your support!
DeleteI know the struggle from many angles....my parent was depressed, I suffer with it and I have a child who deals with it! It is not easy but there is hope! I would love to win the book! Thanks, Rhonda rhonda_nash_hall@comcast.net
ReplyDeleteRhonda, I'm glad you stopped by. Thanks for trusting us with your family situation. Depression and mental illness needs to be brought out in the open much more, though it's come a long way from when I was a child, thinking that the "different" things that happened around the house were normal.
DeleteHi Rhonda, I'm sorry to hear you've had the experience in your family, and appreciate that you shared it. There's community in this kind of connection, and I am in total agreement, there is hope. There's so much more information about treatments and whatnot than there used to be. Personally, I've found mindfulness and yoga to do wonders for my depression!
DeleteThanks so much for such a touching post. It helps me to understand those with mental illness better. And their caregivers. Bless you all!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Pat, for your visit and cheerful words. I'm glad you enjoyed Laura's segment. Love seeing you here.
DeleteHello, Pat, thank you for letting me know that, I really appreciate it. All the best to you!
DeleteSuch moving and brave stories here, and thank you so much for sharing them with such honesty and clarity. For every tale told of this kind, there must be thousands untold by people who have not had the strength of character or the breaks to be able to go forward in a positive way, I find it particularly humbling to read your stories because I have been lucky enough to grow up in a happy, secure home. To me as a child, that just seemed normal - doesn't every child assume their own lifestyle is normal, however bizarre it might be. I never appreciated how lucky I was until one day at high school a teacher refused to believe me when I said I'd never heard my parents fight. "They must wait until you're out of the room," he finally acceded, grudgingly. They've just celebrated 61 years of marriage. Take that, teacher!
ReplyDeleteHi, Debbie, and welcome to Everyone's Story. Treasure your blessings of growing up in a stable family environment--how I wish it was that way for the majority of folks. The funny/sad thing about being raised in a home with a mentally ill mother, and how it impacted all of us, is that I thought this was normal. Don't all families act this way. It wasn't until my late high school years that I realized differently. Do check back later to see what Laura says... I am curios.
DeleteHope to see you again.
Sixty-one years! That is fantastic. Regarding normal, I think that as kids, you maybe feel that something is "off," or different from your friends' houses, but it is still *your* normal, and the only mother and home you know, so you accept it as such. I think that's why kids resist help or keep things quiet (I was put in front of a social worker when I was nine, and I told him everything was great with my mum!).
DeleteI hope that more people find ways to tell their stories; I have found it to be incredibly empowering. Thank you, Debbie, for reading and for your sweet comment!
Hi Laura! I followed you over to say "Hi!" and read your latest post. This one is brave and touching and an excellent reminder that no matter who we are "we all have a story to tell." And I too believe we are all in this together. So nice to see you thriving! Keep it up! ~Kathy
ReplyDeleteKathy, I'm glad you followed Laura over to Everyone's Story--and you're so right, we all have stories to share and to lift each other up.
DeleteHope to see you again.
Hi Kathy! Thank you! Connection is such a powerful thing. I love it. Now I'm working on vulnerability... :)
DeleteI hopped over to see what you have to say about survive versus thrive. Of course, I'm interested in just about anything you have to say, Laura.
ReplyDeleteI used to counsel women who'd been sexually assaulted. In those days, society referred to them as victims. We changed the label to survivors which in the immediate aftermath felt empowering to the women. After reading your article, I think now there should be an ever more empowering term for living a full life after the fact--thriver doesn't sound quite right but something that has that meaning would be good. Oh, and as another fellow introvert, I'm getting Cain's book.
Jagoda, I appreciate your visit this evening. Welcome. You've brought up a fascinating topic, that is, of whether or not one is a "victim" of a mentally ill family (I say family, because in my opinion coming from such a family as Laura's, when one family member suffers from any form of such an illness, whether schizophrenia, depression, and anything in-between, all family members suffer to a degree) or a survivor. I wonder if that's part of the reason why there is such a stigma attached to this situation that assaulted women also felt awkward about--victim does sound as if one is so powerless. Yet, also in my opinion, survivor may sound to some like we're asking for unsolicited attention. My thesaurus suggests for the word thrive--bloom. Hmm. Perhaps we are bloomers! I kind of like that.
DeleteWhat do you think, Laura?
Wow, Jagoda, I didn't know you did that kind of counseling. My hat goes off to you.
DeleteHee hee, bloomers makes me think of underwear, Elaine. There's my kid humor coming out. And, yeah, "thrivers" sounds awkward. I am going to have to think about that one. I like your idea, Jagoda, to have a term that is more empowering than survivor. Interesting that survivor brings unsolicited attention to mind, Elaine. I guess it depends on the context, e.g., in public vs. in a private discussion setting. As for being a victim, I know that I stayed in that mindset for a while because I could then "write off" some of my own emotional and mental health issues. Of course, I didn't think I was operating from a victim place at the time, but recognized it eventually. I don't like the term "victim," because like you both said, it's not very empowering. And I think powerlessness brings shame, which bolsters stigma.
While we can't control our circumstances, we have control over our responses, and in that, there is immense power. Yup, we need a new word!!!
Overcomers?
DeleteBarbara, I like!
DeleteOr, since we already have "underdogs," how about "overkitties?" Hey, hey? No? :)
DeleteIt's cool that you wrote this this week since there is so much hype about Adrianna Huffington's new book. You actually might like it. But thinking about not just making it through life but finding those times of wonder and presence.
ReplyDeleteWelcome to Everyone's Story. I'll have to check out this author. Wishing you a great day.
DeleteInteresting, Jodi. I saw that she had a new book but didn't know what it was about. Thanks for the tip, and for stopping by!
DeleteThis has been one amazing week on Everyone's Story and I want to thank my guest, Laura Zera, for making this possible. Laura, you've been a blessing here, helping my viewers feel at a bit more ease when it comes to opening up about schizophrenia and other mental illnesses that a family member may suffer from. You've given us all inspiration that we need not remain suffering, but thrive amongst the chaos rather than be entrapped, and that it is necessary--let alone healthy--to reach out to others for help and understanding. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI wish you continued success in your international travels. I'm sure you bless all you meet and may they do the same for you.
Thanks too for your lovely BookGiveaway of TRO-TROS AND POTHOLES. And the winner of Laura's book is…
Laura H. P. Congratulations, Laura. Happy reading. Both Laura and I will contact you directly to make arrangements in getting the book to you.
May God bless all of you.
Elaine, thank you so much for hosting me. It has been a lovely experience, and it was a pleasure to be here! I hope your writing journey brings many wonderful things to your life.
DeleteKind words, Laura. Thank you.
DeleteEven though I was blessed with a functional family upbringing, there have been too many years recently where it has been "Survive. Endure. Live through" for me. (In fact, partly because of the loss of a wonderful father.) I'm hoping that I'm moving out of that season and into "Thrive. Flourish. Contribute." Thanks Laura and Elaine for the reminder that by seeking support from another human, which can be so hard to do, we are giving them an opportunity to be all they can be, too.
ReplyDeleteBelinda, thanks for visiting and sharing such kind and encouraging words. You are so right--life is full of seasons, and sometimes when it is a dark time it's hard to imagine that there will be light again. I pray that we all can remember to lean on God and others who offer the strong shoulders we don't have at the time... and then to pay it forward.
DeleteHi Belinda, I hope you're moving out of that season, too! (I had a similar season, by the way, after my father passed away in 2009, so I totally get it). Your comment also reminded me of a favorite Chinese proverb:
Delete“If there is light in the soul,
there will be beauty in the person.
If there is beauty in the person,
there will be harmony in the house.
If there is harmony in the house,
there will be order in the nation.
If there is order in the nation,
there will be peace in the world.”
Oh, Laura, if only all can follow the wisdom in this proverb! Thanks for sharing.
Delete