WE HELD GOD'S HAND--PART II

Last week, my guest, author Angela Breidenbach, and I talked candidly about what it was like to be raised in a home with a paranoid schizophrenia mother. It was our intent to help others from troubled homes. There is no condemnation here, but rather we express acceptance. We hope to encourage others to hold onto God's hand when walking through tough times.


Angela is graciously giving away an e-book version of her newly released GEMS OF WISDOM to any one randomly chosen commenter who wishes to leave his or her name and e-mail address.

WE HELD GOD'S HAND--PART II

Angela: I think it was doubly hard because just like the child of an alcoholic, I'd make excuses for my mother's schizophrenia. I'd also take the hits too. It was almost impossible for me to get junior high and senior high managed for anything that required after school participation. Let me explain. I had to rely on Mom to drive me to concerts, plays, and special events. Many of them had grades attached to them. Most of them I was sweating whether we'd get there at all because I was still trying to get her out of bed and dressed just to get the ride to the concert. I once wore a pinned together choir dress, not sown, pinned. But I was banned from the special choir performance anyway. I was over an hour late and missed the concert choir performance. So I couldn't perform in the higher-level choir. Why? Mom had been in bed for weeks. She wouldn't help me sew the dress, she wouldn't get up to take me to the concert, and I flunked both classes that night.

Elaine: That was tough. I’m sorry you went through that. In a way, looking back, it was a good thing that my mother didn’t drive and withdrew more . . .the upshot of those times is that I was forced to become very independent and self-reliant. I’m thankful I had a couple of close friends then, and my faith. Although I didn’t become a Christian until I was 22, as far back as I can remember, I always walked holding onto God’s hand. To this day, I believe He kept me sane. Kept me moving ahead.

Angela: What seemed like you shouldn't have had that particular responsibility as a child?

Elaine: When my mother took off from home (she ran away to California, the land of storybook magic, in her eyes) I was suddenly a teenager doing laundry, cooking meals, running errands, teaching my brother how to drive, and juggling a few other things like taking over my mother's secretarial work for my father. Confession time: at first upon learning my mother had flown the proverbial coop, I was happy. Happy that she and my father's constant yelling and fights wouldn't end up more tragically as in death (as I teen, I was worried I’d come home and that they’d killed each other). I didn't mind the extra stuff. Structure. Busyness. It was all good. Then. As an adult, I now understand why I get a bit “fried” sometimes.

Angela: I really struggled. I struggled with anger, frustration, and a sense of hopelessness. The situation was out of my control yet I paid the consequences. That seemed to be a running issue for years. Much of my anger and unforgiveness were rooted in these regular, undeserved consequences. I was stuck in the cycle of how unfair it all was. I did eventually forgive, but it wasn't until much later in my adulthood. Once I gave up the need for fairness, I actually began moving into the life I was called to lead.

Elaine: Interestingly, just a few years ago anger snuck under my skin. It just all seemed unfair. For the first time—many years after the death of my other in 1988 from ovarian cancer—I was angry with my mother. It passed. Anger has to be vented, but it doesn’t do the soul any good. Some other things were also going on in my life then and I continued to pray, but more than ever, began to truly think of my relationship with God as one with my Father. I am His daughter. I just don’t want to disappoint Him. That’s all that really counts.

As a child, Angie, did you have anyone to talk to? Did anyone understand this thing called mental illness?

Angela: No, not really. I was blessed with a couple of adults that would console me in the worst of times. But they didn't understand the situation either. I'm very grateful for a woman named Linda who took me in when Mom was in the hospital, another couple, Nita and Paul, who loved on me and still do today, and my choir teacher in high school. Mr. Sheehan didn't know the full of the situation, but he was a loving Christian who did his best with what he did know. I'll always appreciate these folks for helping me through.

Elaine: That reminds me of a woman who once helped to put things into perspective for me. Shortly after my mother took off from home, Judy, aware of some of the troubles I’d faced, said, “Your mom did the best she was capable of. She loved you the best she could.” Wow. Maybe my mother was messed up and did odd things, but she loved me. In her own way. That’s the bottom line.

Angela: One of the battles our system has is how to manage the high cost of mental illness. It's never been well managed. But unless we can face the problem instead of hiding it, we relegate more children and families to the shadows. That's why I wrote Gems of Wisdom: For a Treasure-filled Life. I want so badly to help other people deal with the difficulties, the devastation, the deep hurts. I believe now God gave me a very special calling. The life I've been given is the training ground to reach out and help others with what I learn on the treasure hunt.

Elaine: I’ve always believed that there are no coincidences and randomness when it comes to God. He placed me—places me—with an array of different people in my life. Many have helped to lift my spirits . . . some, I think I’ve been around to offer my supportive shoulder. I know God has never left me and I hope to encourage others daily with this belief, as well as show it in my stories.

How do I deal with the pain? Sometimes, it hurts at the weirdest and most inopportune times, like if I see a mother/father being affectionate with their child in the cat food aisle of the grocery store or the opposite, like hearing of tragedy on the news, I will get so choked up that I have to duck out before I lose it. But, most of the time it’s like changing the radio/TV station. Don’t like a song/movie? Then change the station. Don’t like the thought/memory—then switch to something else. You don’t have to relive anything you don’t want to.

So, what do you do when the most basic desire or need or expectation of family isn't met?

Vlado / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Elaine: what can I conclude? My mother was a mentally disturbed woman. Most likely, due to a mixture of biology and social conditions, she unfortunately slipped into an illness—paranoid schizophrenia—and had not way to turn back. Unlike then, today there are improved medications that can help some of these troubled people. But, that’s moot. My mother is gone, and I pray she is eternally happy in God’s presence.

I do know one thing: I distinctly remember my mother saying that she would do anything or try anything (even electric shock treatments—though I don’t know if she did) to get rid of her illness. She did not want to be unhappy. She did not want to cause others unhappiness. And as that family friend was wise to console: My mother loved me the best she could. Okay. So, I don’t have terrific childhood memories. Yet, in comparison, I do know that it could have been far worse—and that others have had experiences that make paranoid schizophrenia look tame.

For those struggling with troubled/troubling parents (and note, I’m not talking about physically abusive and dangerous situations here) I urge you to FORGIVE them, LOVE them even if you yearn more love than they can offer you, and turn all of your heart to GOD whose love you can always count on.

Angela: I think the most powerful lesson I learned from being the daughter of a paranoid schizophrenic is that God uses broken vessels. She was one. I am one. We are all so weak, but Jesus can use our weakness to shine through His glory. He uses those things that seem impossible to minister to others. When I see this happening, I see the purpose and the hope. I understand that He knew what was going to happen in my life and whom I needed to help from what I experienced. It's a very healing and honoring place to be when I can share what I know to help someone else. It's a great honor to walk along side someone, be their guide, be their encourager. Seeing my difficulties as "boot camp" for life lets me help prepare others for the battle in their lives. It amazes me to see the triumph in another person's life when they can face down the battle with new confidence because of something I had the blessing to share. Even more so when I see them do the same for yet another person. Then I'm awestruck at the power of the ripple effect.

How about your, readers? What have you been led into because of your experience? What do you do to deal with the pain? Do you see ways to help others because of what you've discovered? We'd love to hear from you.--Angie & Elaine

Author Bio:

Angela Breidenbach is Mrs. Montana International 2009, a multi-award winning inspirational speaker and the author of the Gems of Wisdom: For a Treasure-filled Life from Journey Press, the Creative Cooking Series including the new release of Creative Cooking for Simple Elegance and the new Kindle release, Creative Cooking for Colitis. Other works by Angela include compilation books and devotionals from Guidepost, Group, and articles in magazines, ezines, and newspapers. She connects missions to her work with Hope’s Promise Orphan Ministries and the Jadyn Fred Foundation. Angela also teaches online classes and coaches one-on-one in courageous confidence, personal growth, and powerful living. She’s certified in mentor/peer counseling as a Stephen Minister and life coach. Angela serves as an assisting minister for her congregation in Missoula, MT. She volunteered as the American Christian Fiction Writer's publicity officer for two years. Not only did she walk the hard line of deciding to donate her mom's brain for the study of schizophrenia, but she’s also on the brain donation list at the Brain Bank-Harvard McLean Hospital. Angela is married with a combined family of six grown children and two grand children.

Interact with or learn more about Angela Breidenbach:

http://www.AngelaBreidenbach.com

http://www.MyGemofWisdom.com

http://www.Youtube.com/AngieBreidenbach

http://www.GodUsesBrokenVessels.com

http://www.twitter.com/AngBreidenbach

http://www.facebook.com/Angela-Breidenbach-Inspirationa-SpeakerAuthor/107359399338636

http://www.TheFaithGirls.com on Wednesdays each week

http://www.linkedin.com/in/angiebreidenbach

http://ColitisCooking.blogspot.com

 

WE HELD GOD’S HAND—Part I

My guest today is Angela Breidenbach, a speaker, an author, past ACFW publicity officer, a wife, a mom . . .and like me, a daughter of a paranoid schizophrenic mother. Please join Angie and me this week and next as we discuss what it was like to be a child in a troubled household and how we made it through the years into adulthood by the grace of God. We hope this dialogue will bless readers with a sense of peace and bring encouragement over past hurts. 

WE HELD GOD’S HAND—Part I

To Be Sane In An Insane World Is To Be Insane

—Hudde Jr. High School Year Book Motto

Elaine's Note: This quote was my junior high school’s graduating class motto. Back then I thought that pretty much described my family. As an adult looking back, I’ve learned of so many whom—for various reasons—have struggled with childhood heartache. Some turned to vices to escape; others just treaded water to cope. But what do you do when it’s your family that’s cracked up and you can’t run far?

When I joined ACFW, I came across Angela Breidenbach’s website. Whoa. This woman too had a paranoid-schizophrenic mother. Recently, I contacted Angie and she has graciously and enthusiastically jumped at the opportunity to dialogue about this “touchy” issue. It is our hope and prayer that this will encourage others with painful pasts to move forward and to embrace life.

We’d love to hear from commenters. However, please note that we are NOT dispensing any professional psychiatric advice. These are our opinions based upon our own experiences. Also, there is NO condemnation of family or friends expressed in either Part I or Part II (which will be posted next week).

Elaine: When you're a mere child, the world is narrowed to one's family, perhaps some friends, and events. A child raised in a socially unhealthy home may not realize that life is untypical. When was it, Angie, that you first remembered something about your mom/family being a bit askew?

Angela: I realized Mom was different when I was about ten. That's when friend's parents began saying no to play dates and invitations that I actually knew about. Prior to that, parents used to set up play dates. We had family friends and I didn't play much outside of that circle so it wasn't apparent. We moved so much between my preschool and third grade I didn't know anyone anyway.

Once we settled into a house in third grade, she'd complain about neighbors sneaking around outside our house and anyone in authority like the pastor or police. I'm sure it happened before, but I actually noticed it around the time I turned ten.

About that same time my social skills didn't keep up with other school children. I didn't understand why then, but now I can look back and recognize I wasn't being taught the same way about social behavior. I tended to be very uncomfortable in groups, distrustful, I didn't catch standard social cues, and I didn't understand normal conversational patterns. I also craved attention so I'd say things I shouldn't, or not know the right thing to say, and other kids didn't have the maturity to understand that odd duck. Mom was so busy in her own mind dealing with hallucinations and extreme emotion, there wasn't a lot of time for a child's need to be cared for. But again, I didn't understand this until my adult years.

By the time I was twelve, I started buying my own clothes because she was divorced and not able to keep a job. I did odd jobs from working in a short summer job pulling skeet to babysitting to cleaning houses until I was old enough to get a job on the record. But I didn't do well because I didn't understand organization. Life was chaotic so anything organized was foreign. Then later when I could work legally, I picked either food shops or clothing stores because the discounts helped me. ;-)

Elaine: For me, flashes of my mother acting terrified of stray dogs (at the time, we lived in East New York, a rough section of Brooklyn with many packs of stray dogs, let alone riffraff) comes to mind. Sure, I think it's normal to be cautious around any animal whose teeth is sharper than mine, but I remember my mother going out of the way to guide my brother and me across the street and then rush away as if any second the dogs would come up behind us and attack. But, one distinct memory surfaces. We lived in an apartment building, on the 4th floor. I was about six, playing with a friend in her apartment, on the 6th floor. Suddenly, my mother knocked on the door and said I had to leave. And fast. Once away from my friend, she warned me that a gang of teenagers was about to strike our building and cause a lot of trouble--that they'd been hitting every building in the area. We needed to escape downstairs before they got to us . . .but we shouldn't use the elevator because they could trap us and hurt us. So, we descended down the stairs, quiet and attentive for the slightest sound that trouble was gaining on us. Later, I overheard someone--and I can't remember whom, perhaps my father or a neighbor--telling my mother that absolutely no one was going from building to building and hurting others.

I was extremely shy as a child. I'm sure this incident didn't help my trust in others. Though, the one thing I recall during this time was not so much my own fear but rather feeling very sorry for my mother because she was afraid, and then later, either embarrassed or in denial or both, that she had to live in this terror, that this terror in her mind had become her real world and not like the pretend world when I played with my dolls and made things up.

Angela: I have similar memories. Everyone trying to convince Mom she was imagining it all. My mom's fears had us run from the FBI in the middle of the night. I was 11. She'd been hospitalized at Colorado General in their mental ward. Somehow (and I don't know how) she'd escaped. She managed to get to my grandparent's house several miles away from the hospital and hid in the basement. She really scared them. She had all the lights out and made them whisper. They called my step-dad. He brought us. All night he tried to get her to go back to the hospital. We were put to bed in our clothes, shoes too. Told to be ready to run by Mom.

It happened. She woke us up in the dark, wee hours. She'd made my step-dad park the car up around the corner. We raced around the block, watching behind us, terror-filled that someone was going to catch us. My step-dad then drove all around central Denver trying to convince her to go back to the hospital. As morning dawned, she tried jumping out of the car while it was moving. I watched him grabbing at her to keep her in while steering through traffic. Finally after what seemed like hours, she agreed to go back to the hospital.

She escaped a second time and stole a truck. This time she was taken to jail and then released back to the hospital. The sad part is after she was stable, and released, she divorced my step-dad. Even sadder, he really loved her. That's a hard thing to find when dealing with mental illness. She divorced both my dads over their desire to get her help. Heart breaking because she was so lonely for so many years after those decisions.

Elaine: With us, our world/community gradually but steadily shrunk. What little friends my parents had seemed to drift away. Looking back, I imagine it was difficult to maintain an ongoing relationship with my mother who increasingly stayed longer and longer in her room. My mother's extended family also seemed to drift, perhaps each of her siblings channeling energy into their own growing families. Perhaps my mother pushed them away; I really don’t know, except we were pretty much left alone. I think there was a huge depression factor going on as well, tinged with some self-pity from her own difficult childhood day. In my early years my father worked 7 days a week. With growing alienation, both physical and mentally, it seemed as if my mother was pushed into the decline of schizophrenia. Funny, how that word is still difficult for me to say.

Hospitals and doctors seemed to come into the picture when I was about 8. Vaguely, I recall my mother being treated for something, but it wasn't discussed. Of course, this was back in the 60s when mental illness was still shut behind the closet door. Then again, it probably was because my brother and I were young . . .but still, children *know* when their parents are hurting, especially when they're in emotional agony. When I was 12 my father was in a sledding accident that almost cost him his life. After weeks in the ICU he came home, but then it seemed as if my mother suffered a "break down" and seemed to disappear for a couple of weeks.

Divorce came up on tearful evening when I was 6--a night my brother and I watched Sesame Street. She stormed into our shared bedroom to announce the end of our family, which didn't happen until ten years later, when she ran away from home when I was 16. Before the divorce was final--when I was 18--and she'd come home to try again with my father--there was another stint in the psychiatric hospital where she stayed about a month.

Angela: Wow, we do have very similar life patterns. My mother stayed in her bedroom all the time too. Sometimes she'd get on the mania high, come out and go shopping for new dress. She was sure that would get her a job. Then she'd work for a few months before we started into the cycle again.

Elaine: I think along the lines of suffering any kind of abuse, I lucked out. My troubled mother pretty much became a recluse. Oh, don’t misunderstand. I do have some fond memories, like her taking my brother and me to movies or museums. Did you have any physical trauma? The only thing physical I can remember was her coming after me with a dish towel—just out of the blue and swatting me a bunch of times. A mother blowing off steam? A disturbed mother imagining I was something or someone else? I don’t know. Emotionally, she did play some mind games on me, like giving me a fat complex (photos showed I was an average weight child) and threatening me that I might have to wear a girdle (remember those things?). I was 8! It seemed like that whatever way she could knock my self-esteem, she did.

And phobias. To this day, stray dogs still make me nervous. This reminds me of another hallucinatory time of hers: I was having eye surgery when I was 9 and upon being admitted into the hospital, she had me convinced that a pack of doctors were about to descend on me and draw vials of blood—gives new meaning to vampires, I guess.

Angela: Did you have to pick up something of adulthood like working to eat or buy clothes?

Elaine: You mentioned being organized earlier, or not being :) In my case, I clung to the other extreme, wanting, needing structure. To this day I'd say I'm still that way, appreciating schedules, organization . . .though I admit housework is not my thing! I think that's why I gravitated toward reading, writing (in junior high I wanted to be the next Neil Simon), and doing well in school.

Though I wasn't forced, I did take on little paying jobs at I think an unusually early age--I was 8 and babysat. Does that count?

For a while my mother had part time jobs here and there. Seems to me I was a young latchkey child, whether it was because she worked (my father was always, always away, due to work or his dedication to the Boy Scouts). My brother and I were pretty much on our own. How we didn't wind up in trouble was amazing (I'm sure God kept His hand on us). Actually, as I grew older and watched my mother's health decline I went out of my way *not* to mess with my own mental health. No way did drugs or booze or anything to alter my mind appeal to me, and believe me, as a city kid, there was plenty of temptation all around. To this day I do not drink or partake in drugs. I still don't know what it's like to be stoned on pot and have no desire to find out.

Angela: I am very mentally organized. But alas, the housework is not my fav either, lol. Seriously, I also stayed away from drugs and alcohol. I dealt too much with the fear I'd be out of control. I dealt with a constant fear of being illogical. I didn't want to appear or feel in any way illogical. That's a tough place to live because that's the heart of where embarrassment comes from too. Not wanting to be embarrassed or misunderstood or crazy. Not wanting to be associated with crazy. Not wanting the world to look at me through eyes of judgment. Such a teetering edge.

Elaine: Yes!! It was definitely a fear of losing control of your mind. And embarrassment. Socially, my mother embarrassed me quite a bit—saying negative things about me in front of others. The last thing I wanted was to embarrass myself.

And let’s face it, one of the biggest price tags of mental illness—whether it’s yourself or a loved one—and despite present day society’s “advance” way of seeing things—mental illness has a stigma attached to it. For many years I didn’t tell anyone about my mother because, aware that they’d misunderstand, I didn’t want to have someone assume that I’ll be just like her.

Readers, did you feel like you grew up in a crazy household? What do you see now looking back from an adult's perspective? We’d love to hear from you.

GUEST BLOGGER'S BIO:

Angela Breidenbach is Mrs. Montana International 2009, a multi-award winning inspirational speaker and the author of the Gems of Wisdom: For a Treasure-filled Life from Journey Press, the Creative Cooking Series including the new release of Creative Cooking for Simple Elegance and the new Kindle release, Creative Cooking for Colitis. Other works by Angela include compilation books and devotionals from Guidepost, Group, and articles in magazines, ezines, and newspapers. She connects missions to her work with Hope’s Promise Orphan Ministries and the Jadyn Fred Foundation. Angela also teaches online classes and coaches one-on-one in courageous confidence, personal growth, and powerful living. She’s certified in mentor/peer counseling as a Stephen Minister and life coach. Angela serves as an assisting minister for her congregation in Missoula, MT. She volunteered as the American Christian Fiction Writer's publicity officer for two years. Not only did she walk the hard line of deciding to donate her mom's brain for the study of schizophrenia, but she’s also on the brain donation list at the Brain Bank-Harvard McLean Hospital. Angela is married with a combined family of six grown children and two grand children.

Confidence Coach & Purposeful Living Educator

Personal growth = Powerful living!

Interested in having Angela speak? Contact Christian Speaker Services 800.871.9012 x40250

Karen@ChristianSpeakerServices.com

Angela is represented by Tamela Hancock-Murray of The Steve Laube Literary Agency. Tamela can be reached at  Tamela@SteveLaube.com.

Interact with or learn more about Angela Breidenbach:

http://www.AngelaBreidenbach.com

http://www.MyGemofWisdom.com

http://www.Youtube.com/AngieBreidenbach

http://www.GodUsesBrokenVessels.com

http://www.twitter.com/AngBreidenbach

http://www.facebook.com/Angela-Breidenbach-Inspirationa-SpeakerAuthor/107359399338636

http://www.TheFaithGirls.com on Wednesdays each week

http://www.linkedin.com/in/angiebreidenbach

http://ColitisCooking.blogspot.com

Endorsements:

“Angie has amazing passion and mission for helping others achieve their goals and live healthy, fulfilled lives. With her eye always on the Big Picture, she is an unending source of inspiration, energy and empowerment for others.”
~ Tosca Lee – Gallup Organization Senior Consultant/Performance Coach & Christian Author of Demon: A Memoir and Havah: Story of Eve.

“Any cause Angie supports is truly blessed. She has so much energy and passion.”
~ Linda Bauman – Owner, Market Place Media
Memberships: ACFW (American Christian Fiction Writers), AWSA (Advanced Writers Speakers Association), and RWA (Romance Writers of America)

Here's My Story

Here is the bottom line of my story, my life: the only way I get out of bed every morning and face the world is knowing in my heart, mind, and every fiber of my body that God is holding my hand. I've known God since the age of six (at least that is what memory serves). I've known Christ as my Lord and Savior since I was baptized into the Christian faith at the age of 22.

I breathe, think, plan, and see life as a story (and yes, that means thinking in scenes!). What I hope to achieve on this blog is to share book reviews, author interviews, and little snippets of people's life stories because everyone has a story to tell.

I'd love to hear from you. Grab a cup of coffee, get your fingers tapping on the keyboard, and settle down for a visit.

Blessings,

Elaine