Friday, December 2, 2011

Jill Starishevsky--Assistant District Attorney, Fighter Against Child Abuse, Children's Book Author

This week's guest on Everyone's Story is Assistant District Attorney Jill Starishevsky. Not only does she fight child abuse/sex crimes but she has written a children's book on the subject. The School Library Journal just endorsed MY BODY BELONGS TO ME: "In only 19 sentences, this simple book will empower children while promoting open communication."


Please join us in this important segment as Jill shares through interview questions and video what to look out for and how to help victims who are way too young to understand what is happening to them. Jill will also be graciously giving away one copy of her book MY BODY BELONGS TO ME to one randomly chosen commenter. Please include your email address... and consider becoming a Follower to this blog.


Please tell us about your personal as well as professional self. Are you able to separate Jill the Mom from Jill the Assistant District Attorney and now Jill the author?


I have been a prosecutor of child abuse and sex crimes in New York City for the past fifteen years.  I discovered that children don’t disclose right away when they have been sexually abused. By the time I see the children they are already hurt.  When I had children of my own and wanted to talk to them about a subject that I am painfully aware of, I realized there was nothing out there to guide parents in having this discussion.  I prosecuted a case at trial where an episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show prompted the child victim’s outcry after three years of silence.  It occurred to me that after three years, all it took to end her nightmare was a television show that encouraged her to tell a teacher.  I decided that I need to make that message more accessible to children and spread it as far as I could.  My Body Belongs to Me is my effort to spread the message of prevention.

Whether I am able to separate Jill the Mom from Jill the ADA and Jill the author is a great question.  Certainly when I am Jill the ADA, I have to put Jill the mother away somewhere.  The cases I see are heartbreaking and if I think like a mother, I would not be able to get anything done.  It is my sensitivity to this issue as a mother that drives me, but it is my passion to pursue justice for the victim that enables me to perform my responsibilities effectively.  Being an author just means that there is more pressure on me to write really meaningful things inside anniversary cards.

I applaud you for your stand on fighting childhood abuse and sex crimes. Obviously this passion has ignited a proactive fire within you. From your myriad perspective, why do you believe others—specifically adults—who are aware of abuse happening (whether in their own homes or in someone’s they know) slip into a don’t see/don’t hear/don’t speak frame of mind?


I think it is often too painful to accept.  In order to believe that a child was sexually abused, even if you observe it with your own eyes, one has to accept that true evil does exist.  I cannot speak for the people who do nothing when they see it, other than to say that children have no voice.  They need trusting adults around them to speak when they cannot be heard. We are each responsible for molestation occurring if we fail to get this topic out of the closet and into family rooms.  Parents must stop believing "it will never happen to their children” so they don't need to discuss it.




Is it only fear that keeps the child victim from speaking out or is it often more complicated than suffering the backlash of more abuse?

There are innumerable reasons why children do not tell when they are being abused.  I think parents have a hard time accepting that children often do not tell.  Parents liken child sexual abuse to a child falling down and scraping his knee.  When a young child scrapes his knee, the first thing they do is run over to Mommy or Daddy and tell them.  Parents think a child would certainly do the same thing if someone sexually abused them.  But when a child scrapes his knee, theoretically, no one is saying to that child, “Don’t tell anyone, no one will believe you.”  “Don’t tell anyone, they are going to say it is your fault.”  “Don’t tell anyone, it will make your Mommy really sad.”  “Don’t tell anyone, Uncle Joe will go to jail.”  “Don’t tell anyone, this is our special secret.”  There is a lot of guilt and shame involved in being a child victim.  Children often feel that somehow the behavior is their fault.

Can you share with us a “happily ever after” abuse story? Is there such a thing?


I am not sure if there is a happily ever after.  There are people who go on to have happy, productive lives after suffering abuse, but a lot of that depends on the support they are given when they disclose.  I can tell you a story about a little girl who was very sad all the time because her grandfather was sexually abusing her on a continuous basis and she hadn’t told anyone.  One day, she was home with her little brother who was a little tired of seeing his big sister moping around the house all the time.  The little brother said to his sister “Why are you so sad all the time? At least Grandpa is not ______ing you.”  With that, the little girl realized for the first time that Grandpa was doing the same thing to her brother.  The two children decided to tell their mother about what her father had been doing to the two of them.  When they told her, the mother cried and said “I am so sorry.  I thought he would stop.”  It was then that the mother told her children for the first time what her father had done to her when she was a child.  The mother decided that she cannot keep this secret any longer and called a family meeting to tell her brothers and sister what their father had done to her and to her children.  Of course, the story ends with the two brothers and the sister disclosing that the father had done the same thing to each of them when they were younger.  Each child thought that they were the only one being victimized and kept that secret into adulthood.  After disclosing, the offender’s new wife became aware of the behavior and was able to keep her grandchildren safe.  Ending the cycle of silence is the only happily ever after I can see at this point.

Comparing present day times, with all its luxuries, medical advances, and freedoms, the modern world is bathed in riches compared to societies hundreds and thousands of years ago, yet abuse still thrives. Do you believe this evil/sickness is the ugly side of culture that has been passed on for generations and sadly will continue to be passed on or is it more a situation that an abused child grows into an adult who abuses and perpetuates a vicious, ongoing cycle?

Yes, abuse has gone on for many years, but I would like to think with prevention education, we could eradicate child sexual abuse in the next few generations.  

What warning signs of abuse can adults look out for in children?



Physical sign of abuse are uncommon.  If caught early, there sometimes may be redness to the genitals or a urinary tract infection.  Neither of these signs are dispositive of abuse.
Emotional and behavioral signs are more common.  A sudden change in a child’s behavior could be an indicator of abuse (but it can also be an indicator of some other problem).

Age inappropriate sexual behavior and knowledge are certainly red flags. Parents need to familiarize themselves with what is age appropriate in order to be able to recognize the warning signs.  In some children, there are no signs whatsoever. 


For ABC News Video:
http://abcnews.go.com/Health/video/talking-kids-sexual-abuse-10255396

Are abused children who speak up against abuse more at risk for more suffering? In speaking up against the abuser, do children also begin to wonder about their moms/dad’s girlfriends/other relatives or friends and why they’re silent enablers? Is counseling provided for these children? For the entire family?


It is important that children are able to confide in someone who will get them help.  Sometimes, if a child tells a parent that the other parent is abusing them, there may be reluctance to contact the authorities.  Children need to feel that they are supported and they need professional help.  If the appropriate action is taken, the abuse will end.  Counseling is essential in providing a child with support.  Whether or not a child has the intellectual capacity to question why the people around him are silent enablers is uncertain, but as they grow into adults, it will likely be an issue they have to confront.

Tell us about your children’s book MY BODY BELONGS TO ME. Is it written only for the child or for the parent as well? What is your favorite line from the story?


My Body Belongs to Me is a story for the 3-8 year old child, but a tool for the parents.  It is intended to be a conversation starter.  There is a section in the back called “Suggestions for the Storyteller” that guides the reader through the discussion that should follow the book.  There is also a section called “Where to Find Help” that has great resources to utilize if a child makes a disclosure.  I have never been asked what my favorite line from the story is.  I think it’s “I learned if I was too scared to tell my mom or dad, I could have told my teacher, what made me feel so sad.”  Children need to be told that they can come to their parents with anything that upsets them or makes them feel angry or uncomfortable.  They should also learn to identify who is their “safe zone” person.  A safe zone person is someone your child can talk to if they do not feel comfortable coming to mom and dad.  Identifying a safe zone person is vital not only for child sexual abuse prevention, but for bullying, peer pressure, drug abuse prevention and countless other issue.  My Body Belongs to Me received a glowing review from School Library Journal.....In only 19 sentences, this simple book will empower children while promoting open communication.




Please share with us about your poetry website and the how’s your nanny site.

The Poem Lady is my alter ego.  The work I do as a prosecutor is so heavy and sad that I found I needed some sort of release.  Ever since I was little, I had a talent for writing poems that rhyme.  People would often ask me to write a poem for someone's birthday or going away party and I would do so happily.  A few years ago, I created a website called http://www.ThePoemLady.com where I write customized poems for bar/bat mitzvah candle lighting ceremonies and baby/bridal showers.  People send their information to me and I turn it into a cute rhyme.  Being able to share in the joyous events of total strangers somehow balances out some of the sadness I deal with in my regular job.  The best part is that people love the poems.  I enjoy being able to help people express themselves when they are unable to find the right words. I recently started a blog where I provide poem writing advice so I can reach even more people. http://askjillthepoemlady.wordpress.com/



HowsMyNanny.com is an innovative service through which parents can purchase a license plate for their stroller that enables the public to report good or bad nanny observations. Registered parents instantaneously receive an email alerting them to the confidential report. One day while I was eating lunch on a park bench, I noticed two young girls playing on the jungle gym. The girls ran over to a woman who was engrossed in a book. It occurred to me that this woman was their nanny and the toddlers were essentially unsupervised.  After observing the girls play for nearly an hour as the nanny continued to read, I realized these girls could have easily run off into the busy Manhattan streets or wandered off at the hand of a stranger. I wanted to communicate to the girls’ parents about the substandard care their daughters were receiving. But how? Who were these girls?  As a working mother, I knew I would want to be notified if my nanny was being negligent so I created a way to do so. Featured on Good Morning America, Fox News National and endorsed in New York's Daily News, HowsMyNanny.com has been hailed "an honest solution to a tough problem."

 And for fun: in your next life, any plans on kicking back in an “easy” occupation?

Funny you should say in your next life.  By no means is it an easy occupation, but I always tell people in my next life I want to be a second grade teacher.  I have always been told I have a gift with children and I think being a teacher is a true gift.  I figure in this life, I have seen more than anyone’s fair share of horror and tragedy involving children.  In my next life, I want to watch them soar.

Author's Bio:
Jill Starishevsky is a mother of three and an Assistant District Attorney in New York City where she has prosecuted hundreds of sex offenders and dedicated her career to seeking justice for victims of child abuse and sex crimes. Outside the courtroom, Jill's fondness for writing led her to create thepoemlady.com, where she pens personalized pieces for all occasions.  In October 2006, Jill launched HowsMyNanny.com, the first online nanny reporting service that works to keep children safe by enabling parents to receive positive and negative feedback on their child’s caregiver.  Jill is also the author of “My Body Belongs to Me”, a children’s book intended to prevent child sexual abuse by teaching 3-8 year olds their bodies are private. 

22 comments:

  1. Jill,
    My sincere thanks for all you do to help children in difficult and terrifying situations. This is an explosive topic with no easy answers, only hurt that often tears families apart, and sadly, adds guilt to the abused child. MY BODY BELONGS TO ME is a wonderful avenue of much needed education. I wish you continued success.
    God bless,

    Diana

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  2. The book sounds great. As a former mental health counselor, I know this issue is too prevelant and children need to be protected. It's also important your child knows the REAL names of body parts as opposed to the cutesy ones we sometimes make up, in the event they need to be accurate in informing adults about what is happening to them. cbalmonyyahoocom.

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  3. A wonderful, informative interview! I'd love to win her book! Thanks for sharing w/ us.

    cb
    http://sunnebnkwrtr.blogspot.com/

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  4. Hi Diana,
    Thank you for your kind words. One of the hardest tasks I face is getting parents to understand that this is a conversation every parent should be having with their young child. This is not someone else's problem. It is one we all share. Thank you for weighing in.

    Jill Starishevsky

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  5. Hi cbalmony,
    I absolutely agree with you that children should learn the correct terminology for their body parts. I have a list of 10 Tips to Keep Children Safe from Sexual Abuse and teaching body parts is high on the list. It could delay a disclosure or even cause a disclosure to be missed if a child only knows the nick name for his or her private parts. If a 5 year old tells her teacher the janitor licked her "cookie", a busy kindergarten teacher might hand the child another cookie, not realizing that cookie is what she calls her vagina. Great point. Thanks for sharing.

    Jill Starishevsky

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  6. Elaine,
    Thank you so much for hosting me on your blog. Your questions were incredibly insightful and I enjoyed your perspective. I appreciate the opportunity to reach your readers. It is my hope that each of them shares this information in their own community. If each one would teach one, we could make great strides toward prevention.

    Jill Starishevsky

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  7. Jill, you're most certainly welcome. I'm grateful you're my guest this week. It's not easy to admit there is a problem--of any kind. I like what you said, and it's true about everything in this world when you think about it: we're one community and a problem can stop from spreading when one person teaches another/reaches out to another and that person does the same.

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  8. Jill - Wonderful post! I am a police officer and see so much child abuse. It is hard to get kids to open up - and it take a certain type of person to be able to do it. Love the idea of your book. Need to look at the for future use. thank you for this great message!

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  9. If I had watched Oprah in my years of being abused as a young girl, I would have had the strength and courage to tell someone. I applaud Jill for doing this important work and for writing the book.
    Indeed, our body does belong to us...

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  10. What a great interview! Thanks so much for alerting me to it. Blessings!

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  11. Stacy, thanks for your professional perspective.

    Trace, my heart hammered in sympathy for what you suffered as a child. You certainly have the courage to speak up now and that will indeed help many. Thank you.

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  12. Every new incident of child abuse is indeed an indication that cruelty exists. Bloggers like Elaine do a great service in getting out the message re: this complicated issue when they pose thoughtful questions to Jill the DA + Jill the mom + Jill the author wrapped in one. Great interview!

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  13. Thank you, Deborah. I'm honored to have such important and interesting guests and that this humble little blog can reach out to so many. I'm also grateful to all my international viewers.

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  14. I'M POSTING THIS COMMENT FROM "BEAN" BECAUSE OF AN ODD TECHNOLOGICAL DIFFICULTY--Elaine

    BEAN: "I have four young children, and my husband and I try to be very open with them when they have questions about sex, with age-appropriate discussions. But it's always difficult for most anyone to fathom, let alone explain to a first-grader, that some people want to harm children in degrading ways. Thank you for your dedication to this important work! "

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  15. Hi Stacy,
    Thank you for all the hard work you do as a police officer. I hope My Body Belongs to Me is a tool that will aid you with your work. I am glad that there is finally a way to help parents address this discussion with their 3-8 year olds. I am looking for a book to recommend for 9-13 year olds. Know of any I should check out? Thanks again for your support.

    Jill Starishevsky

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  16. Hi Trace,
    Thank you for your comment. I believe that Oprah has done incredible work in bringing child sexual abuse into the light. Now that she is not as visible, I hope we are able to continue the journey. Thanks to Erin's Law, child sexual abuse prevention education will be required in schools across the country soon enough. It is my hope that My Body Belongs to Me encourages those children suffering in silence to tell someone they trust. I appreciate your kind words and hope you will share this important resource with your community.

    Jill Starishevsky

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  17. Hi Kathi,

    Thanks so much. I enjoyed your interview as well. It appears we have some of the same passions. Keep fighting the fight.

    Jill Starishevsky

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  18. Hi Deborah,

    Thank you for your kind words. I do hope that interviews such as this one help to raise awareness. I often tell people that one of the hardest things for me to do is to get parents to first understand that this issue applies to them. Everyone thinks this is happening to someone else's child. With statistics like 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys being sexually abused by age 18 in the U.S., I think we need to take another look and come to terms with the reality that child sexual abuse is all around us. Only when we accept how truly pervasive it is will be able to address the problem and end the abuse.

    Jill Starishevsky

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  19. Hi Bean,

    Of course it is difficult to fathom. I think it is for that very reason that most parents avoid having the discussion altogether. Of course, this makes the potential predator the only person to have this discussion with the child. He is the only one to tell the child that this is what people do when they love each other. He is the only one to tell the child that this is their special secret. He is the only one to tell the child not to tell anyone because no one would believe him or her. When faced with this reality, most parents will make the effort and attempt to have a child sexual abuse prevention discussion with their young child. I have been trying to assist in this discussion both with the book and with seminars that walk parents through what to say. I am having a seminar for parents on Thursday (12/8) in NYC at the Museum of Motherhood. Hopefully this will provide some additional support for parents in this trying time.

    Jill Starishevsky

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  20. Jill, this is the first I've heard of Erin's Law, a great idea, sadly considering those awful statistics of how often sexual abuse happens in this country, let alone others. Thank you for informing us about this.

    Very interesting to know that you offer seminars. Do you have dates listed anywhere?

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  21. Congratulations, CB. You've won a copy of Jill Starishevsky's MY BODY BELONGS TO ME. I hope it brings you many blessings.

    Thanks to everyone who visited Everyone's Story. I hope you will visit again, and pass the word around about its guests.

    May you have a joyous holiday season.

    ♥ Elaine

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  22. Jill, you've been a wonderful guest on Everyone's Story and judging from the number of hits you received, I know you've been instrumental in helping others. Heartfelt thanks for taking a week out of your busy schedule and visiting with us. In order to possibly end such horrendous acts of abuse one must be informed and you certainly are a blessing to society in all you do to fight this crime.

    ♥ Elaine

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